Gotta stop crying in the morning

Last Thursday was the rude awakening back to my 'real' life.  Today, was not a good morning either.  I don't think this is a 'Thursday' thing, instead, a break in routine.

Here is the routine that seems to work for us in the morning:

Get the eldest up, literally pick him up out of his bed, carry him to the kitchen table and continue with the morning.

This routine seems to go pretty well.

What exactly is it that makes things go so horribly wrong?   With me in tears?  Yelling at my eldest son in front of parents and my father at school...sounding like a lunatic?  Angry and resentful at my son?  All before both him and I go on with our busy and demanding days (Seriously, his day is just as hard as mine...if not harder)

What happened today?

I was still in bed when the boys came in my room.  I was awake with darling daughter and we were just chatting.  Twin brother had a Lego magazine in his hand, and Eldest realized he didn't have his Lego magazine.

SHOOT - this is where the breaking point comes from.  Any kind of deviation, no matter how calm I am at addressing it...is really hard to manage.

I tried to stop & get everyone to the kitchen table, but it was already too late.  Screaming about the wrong bowl, Screaming that he doesn't want cereal or to eat at all...while I'm trying to get the twins started & searching the house (6 rooms of it) for this Lego magazine.  Couldn't find it.  No matter how much I tried to say we would find it for him...it wouldn't help.

So from there, it was a lot of wrong.  'I'm going to block this door', 'I'm going to annoy my sister because I'm not feeling 'right'', 'I'm going to dilly dally', 'I'm going to touch everything in sight'...if only I could really write how frustrating it is...but all if it comes to...this: Mom's patience and caring burning out...all within a 45 minute period: 7:00 - 7:45 am, and just downhill for the rest of the morning: 7:50 - 8:25 when I can finally drop him off.

Yesterday I had it right, things are hard for him.  But when things are hard for him, sometimes they are just plain hard for me.  I'm not proud of today.  We departed at the school door with both of us in tears.  My poor father just stood there, at the sidelines, seeing the tornado of a family we sometimes are.  Unfortunately, this is sometimes our reality.

I know what to do...I have to get us to a family counselor so we can figure out how to mitigate some of this emotion for all of us.  To get us to this family counselor...I need to find the paper I have her name written on & make the appointment...if I only had time to do that.  Yes, it would take 5 minutes...but I can't seem to find that 5 minutes, even though I know how critical it is.