What a Debbie Downer...everyone has problems, Lady! Thank goodness for friends

Everyone has problems. You hear the saying "Put everyone's problems in a pile and you will gladly take your own back."

I feel like all my 'problems' are self-inflicted. Well...at least for the ones we 'know' about. All those 'other' things we are trying to figure out, I would claim I didn't explicitly sign up for. "Explicitly" in the terms of looking through a park district book and signing up for classes. Or putting my name on the list to help out at the school holiday party. Or choosing to be a working mom.

Everyone has ruts. Sorry to complain about them in the blog. I have a lot of catching up to do with the eldest and updates to provide on things we keep trying to work things out in that arena. I'll get to that update soon enough, but I suppose right now I'm on the tightrope feeling sheer panic of being able to get across with all the things I am balancing.

I think the source of this latest rut is that all these different parts of my life seemed to not be working.  Everything at work is on fire.  Balancing therapy, gymnastics, and Wonderful Husband's school on Tuesday was a disaster.  Disaster.  I was starting to dread Tuesdays even more so with my mother in law trying to help.  While she was really trying, her help ended up being along the same line of having a cleaning lady.  You need the cleaning lady, it will help you, but the work it takes to get ready for the cleaning lady adds it's own layer of stress and work.  I signed up for school holiday party to help, but I didn't know I was signing up for organizing the party.

Stop!  There it is: "organizing the party." This was the straw that broke this camel's back.  What I didn't know is that when you sign up to help with a school party, that means you have to plan, organize, put together, and host the school party.  Wait, What?!  This wasn't on the flyer that I put my name on in August.  Work is shit, my house is a disaster, again no kids have socks in their drawers, and now I have to organize a St. Valentine's party for 40 first graders?! (Er, 'Friendship Party' we are in a public school you know.)

There is a problem here.  A major one:  I have a first grader, but he is in special education.  I really have no clue what a 'typical' first grader would like to do.  Panic is setting in. Why? Because I'm going to fail at this.

I realized I was being annoying, unrational, etc.  I realize I was being a Debbie Downer when I told my first-grade-mom friend how I didn't realize it was our job as parents to plan the party.  She looked at me as if I didn't know that eggs were the first ingredient in scrambled eggs.  I realized: "Duh self!"  But to my defense, this is my first kid in grade school and I found out from other first time grade-school moms, they didn't realize this either.  Phew, I'm not the only one who felt like they were going to fail.

This is why we need friends, they help us to not panic. They secure us to realize we aren't failures. We need fellow comrades to validate that we aren't the only ones who are having a hard time.  We need them to tell us they are scared too.  We need them to ensure us that rules or expectations are silly, and if we stick together, we will back each other up and always be there for each other.

Friends, thank God for them.  College friends who write you or ping you to say they love you and make sure you are okay.  Moms of twins or triplets, like you, who will meet out after the kids are in bed so we can ensure we are all feeling crazed, overwhelmed, and out-numbered so we can laugh about it together.  Neighbors who will always lend an ear, have the kids play to get them off our back, and give you a big smile or hug.  Work colleagues who will not compete with you and share that everything is going to hell, their projects are on fire too.  The oldest friends you made even back in kindergarten that will always be running through your heart and you can pick up where you left off years ago.  And family, the oldest and most forever friends you will ever have (even if they are relatively new into the family).

I was missing my friends.  Life was getting too busy for what was important: Friends.  I wasn't seeing, talking, emailing, IM'ing, texting, or calling my friends.  By the end of this week I realized it and even with a few pings, emails, calls, texts, and correctly guessing (but incorrectly spelling) some pictures over the iPad, this was the life line I needed.  Friends give me the shot in the arm I need to know I am not alone.  Friends will have my back and tell me it's okay if I am the worst first-grade-mom-party-thrower in the world.

Thank God for Friends.

The grey cloud and a bottle of wine

I walked around yesterday and today with a grey cloud above my head.  Picture a comic strip.  That is exactly how I felt.  The cloud just wouldn't go away.

This cloud was hovering over me with work.  With my personal business.  With my kids.  With my chores.  With my marriage.  No matter where I went, it followed me.  I think this is depression.  I truly wonder if this is how others feel when they are "in the pits" or if this is clinical depression.  Comment...please...I'm truly curious.

Today I went with the twins to gymnastics and I just felt like 'geesh, I am in a rut.'  All I could focus on was this rut.  I was walking in the cold, I felt this rut.  I was listening to the kids talk, I felt this rut.  I was watching them do well in gymnastics, I felt this rut.  I couldn't talk myself out of this rut.  I tried to feel 'present' but it didn't work.  I felt exaclty like the commercial for those anti-depressant drugs where the person just can't enjoy life or the things around them.  Good thing I was an actress at one point in my life:  Fake it until you make it.  That attitude it works in more ways than one (with sex...and I guess, with life).

Right now as I'm blogging (which I've been too overwhelmed to update as of lately), I'm enjoying a glass of wine while I work.  It is 10:30 pm and I'm working.  Maybe this is the source of my "rut"?  Work? Hmm...maybe, but I can't dwell on this, because it is my choice to work.  Right?

Yesterday I got a call out of the blue from my soul sister cousin...the one I ran the accidental triathlon with.  Premonitions?  Feelings?  A sixth sense?  She said she thought about me & felt like she needed to call.  Clearly she was on to something...I needed that call.  Outreach.  You hear this term with not-for-profits and social work, right?  Sometimes you don't know you need it, until someone reaches out because they know you need it.  I do believe in God, and I like to believe in guardian angels.  Who knows what had her call me in the middle of the day, but she did and it helped.  Though...today I'm still in the rut.

Why am I blogging?  Well because the wine.  Yep...and I'm working late, so I have some time on my hands since I am in the 'testing business' (where I run something on the computer & have to wait to see how it went).  So I'm waiting...to see 'how it went.'

I put it in writing last year that one of my resolutions was to stop drinking.  I failed.  I tried painting to see how it would feel to do something I'm not confident I'll succeed in...but I like painting & I think I'm pretty good at it.  I'm even brave enough to post my in-progress painting on Facebook.  I guess I could say I'm good at failing at resolutions, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

My counselor said my drinking is a concern because I use it as a source of release.  Heck yea!  I need a waiver from my life.  A sabbatical.  Drinking helps me with that.  See...I'm enjoying working & I'm getting back to blogging.  Why can having wine be bad?

Well...because I need it to get out of a rut...and wine isn't the answer.  I'm smart enough to know this.  Now, how do I get out of this rut?

I owe $3,822.59

I owe $3,822.59.  Not that bad when the amount that was billed was $65,979.40.

$65,979.40 was the total amount billed against our medical insurance for 2012.  This was not bad at all; there were no major surgeries where some years we have a few.  Those years we have racked up $100,000 or more.  Yes...$100,000 or MORE.

$3,822 is about par for what we owe annually.  Kind of shocking that I look at this number & think 'good' instead of panicking or being angry.

My daily anxiety is stemmed from trying to keep up with life.  I think that the medical work that we do on top of the daily work is something I don't give myself credit for.

Last year, here is the breakdown of Insurance Claims for 2012:
Wonderful Husband = 1
Twin Son = 2
Twin Daughter = 4
Me = 40
Eldest Son = 95

*Therapies are billed in multiple sessions - usually 2 - 4 sessions on one bill.  This is Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, Speech Therapy, & Counseling.  So...the amount billed is way less than the amount of days we've spent in therapy or in a doctor's office.

Thank goodness we have our health.  I can only imagine the amount of stress that I would have to deal with if the rest of my household had services we needed to content with regularly.

I need to pat myself on the back here.  Medical stuff we deal with is a lot more added to the daily grind.

Unlike other people who complain about insurance (and most are justified in their complaints as their insurance covers squat)...I am so thankful for our insurance.  It is really great.

Just like I'm thankful for my current job situation, I'm extremely thankful for our current insurance situation.  I am aware that both may change in the future, so instead of worrying the uncontrollable future, I'm focusing my energy on appreciating what we have right now.

Off to the Doctor's Office with the Eldest today.  It was something that came up this morning and now I have to fit into my schedule.  It never stops...but at least for this year (or right now...knock on wood), we are covered.