I walked around yesterday and today with a grey cloud above my head. Picture a comic strip. That is exactly how I felt. The cloud just wouldn't go away.
This cloud was hovering over me with work. With my personal business. With my kids. With my chores. With my marriage. No matter where I went, it followed me. I think this is depression. I truly wonder if this is how others feel when they are "in the pits" or if this is clinical depression. Comment...please...I'm truly curious.
Today I went with the twins to gymnastics and I just felt like 'geesh, I am in a rut.' All I could focus on was this rut. I was walking in the cold, I felt this rut. I was listening to the kids talk, I felt this rut. I was watching them do well in gymnastics, I felt this rut. I couldn't talk myself out of this rut. I tried to feel 'present' but it didn't work. I felt exaclty like the commercial for those anti-depressant drugs where the person just can't enjoy life or the things around them. Good thing I was an actress at one point in my life: Fake it until you make it. That attitude it works in more ways than one (with sex...and I guess, with life).
Right now as I'm blogging (which I've been too overwhelmed to update as of lately), I'm enjoying a glass of wine while I work. It is 10:30 pm and I'm working. Maybe this is the source of my "rut"? Work? Hmm...maybe, but I can't dwell on this, because it is my choice to work. Right?
Yesterday I got a call out of the blue from my soul sister cousin...the one I ran the accidental triathlon with. Premonitions? Feelings? A sixth sense? She said she thought about me & felt like she needed to call. Clearly she was on to something...I needed that call. Outreach. You hear this term with not-for-profits and social work, right? Sometimes you don't know you need it, until someone reaches out because they know you need it. I do believe in God, and I like to believe in guardian angels. Who knows what had her call me in the middle of the day, but she did and it helped. Though...today I'm still in the rut.
Why am I blogging? Well because the wine. Yep...and I'm working late, so I have some time on my hands since I am in the 'testing business' (where I run something on the computer & have to wait to see how it went). So I'm waiting...to see 'how it went.'
I put it in writing last year that one of my resolutions was to stop drinking. I failed. I tried painting to see how it would feel to do something I'm not confident I'll succeed in...but I like painting & I think I'm pretty good at it. I'm even brave enough to post my in-progress painting on Facebook. I guess I could say I'm good at failing at resolutions, and I'm perfectly okay with that.
My counselor said my drinking is a concern because I use it as a source of release. Heck yea! I need a waiver from my life. A sabbatical. Drinking helps me with that. See...I'm enjoying working & I'm getting back to blogging. Why can having wine be bad?
Well...because I need it to get out of a rut...and wine isn't the answer. I'm smart enough to know this. Now, how do I get out of this rut?
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