The combination of blogging and taking the commuter train has sparked in me a new interest in sociology. I never took a course in high school or college, because theater always met that cluster criteria, but every day working in the city I observe the oddest behavior with adults and starts my brain wondering. Today:
A 60 year old business man dressed in a suit walking through the Union Station terminal bouncing a blue raquet ball as he walked. My curiosity: could this be a stress reliever or a sensory thing?
But what had me pondering more was the interaction between a few women on the train. I can't exactly figure out if they were being friendly to each other, or just vicious. On the train, groups of people regularly hang around because they see each other daily at the station and sit together. Here is what happened between two women:
Woman 1 loudly, as she boarded the train: "It looks like paint. It just looks like paint."
Woman 2: {nothing} I couldn't figure out who was Woman 2 yet, but I started to look around wondering what looked like mis-placed paint, or a paint splat.
[train chugs on and approachs Union Station. People start to prematurely line up in the aisle to disembark]
Woman 1 to Woman 2, standing in the aisle, with 3 people in between Woman 1 & Woman 2.
Woman 1, through all the people in the aisle: "It looks just like paint. I wouldn't worry, people won't think anything."
Woman 2: "Oh, yea, I have to figure out what to do." {looks back on her khacki pants at what looks like chocolate frosting} Ah ha! I found out who Woman 2 is!
Woman 1: "Don't worry about it at all, maybe take your jacket & put it around your waste. By the way how is your GERD doing?"
Woman 2, semi-quietly: "What?"
Woman 1, louder: "Your GERD!?"
Woman 2, semi-quietly, looking around at all of us now watching her: "Oh, it's okay, I'm eating things now, like tomatoes..." this is when I started to drown her out.
So, I'm curious: what was Woman 1's intention of calling Woman 2's bad morning out in front of 50 people on the commuter train? Kind of mean, if you ask me. Maybe at the most, only the person standing behind Woman 2 would notice she had something on her pants and she could have stumbled through the day unnoticed...but instead Woman 1 called her out in front of everyone. I'm wondering if Woman 1 realized how mean she was being and how she was making this woman's morning even worse.
Good luck to that poor woman with the chocolate frosting on her derriere; may her walk through the city be a brisk one, with everyone behind her looking up.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Failures
Failing is scary - especially for a Type A person like me. After almost 36 years, I'm coming to terms with trying to be okay with the chance of failing, or shall we say, not 'Exceeding' at every little thing I do.
Trying to balance a full time job, with kids, is hard - I'm bound to fail somewhere and just the thought of that is scary. I'm always worried I'm running at risk at work and that I'm not doing enough, or the right things for my kids...both these worries are ridiculous.
I realized that not everyone can, or should, do every job perfectly. I'm going to start to do things that are scary for me to start living in the now (thanks to one of my friend's reading a book) and just focusing on today since thinking about every possible future scenario that I run through in my head is all fictional (thanks to my counselor, who pointed out to me that it's not preparing me for anything since I don't know the future).
I have to admit to myself that I'm good at figuring things out. I am able to figure out how work a full time job, schedule 3 different therapy appointments for a kid who is also in school, how to get kids the right daycare and physically to daycare, how to get myself to the train, and even things like how to get to the grocery store. As my birthday slowly approaches, this next year I'm going to try to focus on only dealing with today.
The first step towards this new mentality is completed: Over vacation I decided to run a Warrior Dash 5K race about 15 hours before our group was leaving for the actual event. This meant that I had to go buy shoes, socks, a shirt and sports bra...not really knowing if I could even do it (currently, I don't know how to balance exercising in my crazy life). But I did it & it was fun. I was really proud of myself, I didn't EXCEED at it...I didn't need to, all I needed to do was do it. It felt great. It was weird to tell people how proud of myself I was...but I'm really proud of myself.
I'm going to print a picture of me in this race and put it on my desk at work - that is how proud I am of myself. This picture will be a daily reminder that I decided & figured something out on the fly and I didn't exceed at it...I had fun just doing it. This picture will take it's place along with the other few momentos I have at my desk & see daily that remind me of who I am and what I am here for:
1. A picture of my kids
2. A photo of me at 18 with my parents at the International airport terminal, leaving for a semester in Rome. My mom said she had this same picture of me in her office because she always admired that I was brave enough to just get on that plane without knowing any other students. I'm sure I was scared at the moment, but I just did it, it seemed right & I loved it.
3. A wedding picture of wonderful husband and I, with the biggest smiles on our faces
4. A 45 bulleted list that my dad sent me with a few reminders...some like "No one is in charge of your happiness but you" and "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up" and "Life isn't fair, but it's still good" and "What other people think of you is none of your business"
5. 3 cards from my kids with scribbles saying nice things like 'I notice all the hardwork you do'
6. A Real Simple cut-out quote from Esther De Wall, Seeking God: The way of St. Benedict: "Wealth consists not in having great possessions but in having few wants."
7. A work related certification that I studied 9 months to achieve
Even though there are records of how fast a person completes a race, and scores on your annual work performance review, when it comes down to it...only I can set my own scale to determine an achievement.
Trying to balance a full time job, with kids, is hard - I'm bound to fail somewhere and just the thought of that is scary. I'm always worried I'm running at risk at work and that I'm not doing enough, or the right things for my kids...both these worries are ridiculous.
I realized that not everyone can, or should, do every job perfectly. I'm going to start to do things that are scary for me to start living in the now (thanks to one of my friend's reading a book) and just focusing on today since thinking about every possible future scenario that I run through in my head is all fictional (thanks to my counselor, who pointed out to me that it's not preparing me for anything since I don't know the future).
I have to admit to myself that I'm good at figuring things out. I am able to figure out how work a full time job, schedule 3 different therapy appointments for a kid who is also in school, how to get kids the right daycare and physically to daycare, how to get myself to the train, and even things like how to get to the grocery store. As my birthday slowly approaches, this next year I'm going to try to focus on only dealing with today.
The first step towards this new mentality is completed: Over vacation I decided to run a Warrior Dash 5K race about 15 hours before our group was leaving for the actual event. This meant that I had to go buy shoes, socks, a shirt and sports bra...not really knowing if I could even do it (currently, I don't know how to balance exercising in my crazy life). But I did it & it was fun. I was really proud of myself, I didn't EXCEED at it...I didn't need to, all I needed to do was do it. It felt great. It was weird to tell people how proud of myself I was...but I'm really proud of myself.
I'm going to print a picture of me in this race and put it on my desk at work - that is how proud I am of myself. This picture will be a daily reminder that I decided & figured something out on the fly and I didn't exceed at it...I had fun just doing it. This picture will take it's place along with the other few momentos I have at my desk & see daily that remind me of who I am and what I am here for:
1. A picture of my kids
2. A photo of me at 18 with my parents at the International airport terminal, leaving for a semester in Rome. My mom said she had this same picture of me in her office because she always admired that I was brave enough to just get on that plane without knowing any other students. I'm sure I was scared at the moment, but I just did it, it seemed right & I loved it.
3. A wedding picture of wonderful husband and I, with the biggest smiles on our faces
4. A 45 bulleted list that my dad sent me with a few reminders...some like "No one is in charge of your happiness but you" and "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up" and "Life isn't fair, but it's still good" and "What other people think of you is none of your business"
5. 3 cards from my kids with scribbles saying nice things like 'I notice all the hardwork you do'
6. A Real Simple cut-out quote from Esther De Wall, Seeking God: The way of St. Benedict: "Wealth consists not in having great possessions but in having few wants."
7. A work related certification that I studied 9 months to achieve
Even though there are records of how fast a person completes a race, and scores on your annual work performance review, when it comes down to it...only I can set my own scale to determine an achievement.
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