Failures

Failing is scary - especially for a Type A person like me.  After almost 36 years, I'm coming to terms with trying to be okay with the chance of failing, or shall we say, not 'Exceeding' at every little thing I do.

Trying to balance a full time job, with kids, is hard - I'm bound to fail somewhere and just the thought of that is scary.  I'm always worried I'm running at risk at work and that I'm not doing enough, or the right things for my kids...both these worries are ridiculous.

I realized that not everyone can, or should, do every job perfectly.  I'm going to start to do things that are scary for me to start living in the now (thanks to one of my friend's reading a book) and just focusing on today since thinking about every possible future scenario that I run through in my head is all fictional (thanks to my counselor, who pointed out to me that it's not preparing me for anything since I don't know the future).

I have to admit to myself that I'm good at figuring things out.  I am able to figure out how work a full time job, schedule 3 different therapy appointments for a kid who is also in school, how to get kids the right daycare and physically to daycare, how to get myself to the train, and even things like how to get to the grocery store.  As my birthday slowly approaches, this next year I'm going to try to focus on only dealing with today.

The first step towards this new mentality is completed: Over vacation I decided to run a Warrior Dash 5K race about 15 hours before our group was leaving for the actual event.  This meant that I had to go buy shoes, socks, a shirt and sports bra...not really knowing if I could even do it (currently, I don't know how to balance exercising in my crazy life).  But I did it & it was fun.  I was really proud of myself, I didn't EXCEED at it...I didn't need to, all I needed to do was do it.  It felt great.  It was weird to tell people how proud of myself I was...but I'm really proud of myself.

I'm going to print a picture of me in this race and put it on my desk at work - that is how proud I am of myself.  This picture will be a daily reminder that I decided & figured something out on the fly and I didn't exceed at it...I had fun just doing it.  This picture will take it's place along with the other few momentos I have at my desk & see daily that remind me of who I am and what I am here for:
1. A picture of my kids
2. A photo of me at 18 with my parents at the International airport terminal, leaving for a semester in Rome.  My mom said she had this same picture of me in her office because she always admired that I was brave enough to just get on that plane without knowing any other students.  I'm sure I was scared at the moment, but I just did it, it seemed right & I loved it.
3. A wedding picture of wonderful husband and I, with the biggest smiles on our faces
4. A 45 bulleted list that my dad sent me with a few reminders...some like "No one is in charge of your happiness but you" and "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up" and "Life isn't fair, but it's still good" and "What other people think of you is none of your business"
5. 3 cards from my kids with scribbles saying nice things like 'I notice all the hardwork you do'
6. A Real Simple cut-out quote from Esther De Wall, Seeking God: The way of St. Benedict: "Wealth consists not in having great possessions but in having few wants."
7. A work related certification that I studied 9 months to achieve

Even though there are records of how fast a person completes a race, and scores on your annual work performance review, when it comes down to it...only I can set my own scale to determine an achievement.