Those WERE some big girl pants! Moving on...

Tonight I had one of the most hurtful, in your face things ever happen to me in my whole life.

Prelude: my most down in the dumps place I have ever been was 2 years ago.  I caved from the weight of my world that I was holding on my shoulders. It manifested itself in front of my sister with me yelling at my kids. I was trying to get out of the house to yet another therapy session while trying to balance a job on top of it and the kids giving me a hard time was the straw that broke this camel's back...and this souls's spirit. I yelled at them. That is all I did. I yelled and yelled and probably yelled loud.

What came of this? The darkest day of my motherhood career yet? The day that will live in my own personal infamy? Well...the diagnosis of depression and help. Or so I thought.

Well, that may be too harsh...I have gotten support and love but what I have come to know is that not everyone will see things the same as I. There are many people in my life who love me unconditionally. Many who help me in my struggles. Many who support my personal choice in sharing and being open with my personal challenges.

That sister who was witness to my outburst told me in an argument we had over the phone tonight that she has never forgiven me for that very day.  Two years she has been silently holding this against me without the decency to tell me. This broke my heart and has sent me reeling into a dark state of mind questioning everything from how the rest of my family treats me to questioning the reality of being adopted and if I truly fit into this family unit.

Our argument stemmed from my mom worried about my kids with fifth disease (a virus only risky to fetuses) being exposed to any of my sisters, sisters in laws, or cousins who are in an active child bearing state for my day's 70th birthday party this weekend.  It was a lose/lose situation for me from the get go. My mom didn't want me to get a sitter and not have the kids there...but what do we do about the unknown pregnant people?  So I wrote my sisters, sisters in laws, and cousins who will be in attendance. Told them that the kids have it...asked if they wanted me to get a sitter. so i have come to learn from my sister's point of view this was absolutely inappropriate for me to basically ask them this.

She called my mom to bitch about me. This is her normal course of action. I think this is unfair. I think she should tell me directly. I texted her 'how dare you' and i was hurt. so we talked on the phone later in the night and I told her in this heated phone argument to put her big girl pants on and come to me...and that is when she told me she has never forgiven me for that day. The day that was my own problem. The day that didn't really affect her at all. I didn't do anything to her. I was mislead to think her intervening was getting me help. I was operating under my assumption that family is love and family love is unconditional.

My gut knew it. I am her daughter's godmother and since that day she hasn't taken me up to help her unsupervised since that very day. I am even more hurt because I felt I have tried to do so much for her...gave her all my daughter's clothes, probably over a $1000 worth of clothes and toys, gifts and plants, dinners when she had her second, tried to be involved, tried to reach out. I feel used.

Family love is unconditional. But am I really family here since we have no biological link?

I have a few sisters in my life. They are my soul sisters. I know they love me unconditionally for who I am. They hold me up when I need the support and they love me through it. They forgive me for my faults and poor judgements. They love me unconditionally.

I am going to retire this blog with this entry. Women need women. Women need sisters. When your very own sister can't forgive like this...my family needs to be reevaluated purely for my own self preservation.

For my friends who do support me in my journey and who do love me , thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn't be here still without you. I will keep blogging but somewhere else where the ones who cause me this heartache no longer are privy. I will keep you posted. And as you know me...dorky pun intended.