During college I used to dream and laugh with my two best friends, about one day we would be 'the head honcho' and be so successful we would be able to take our very own private jets to visit each other for lunch. The three of us live in Chicago, Peoria, and St. Louis, so getting together without a jet is clearly impossible.
I left my last job because I was 'a boss.' There is a lot of reward in being a manager with training people and seeing them grow, having a lot of accountability and coming from that: direct success for a group's effort, and just making things happen with a team behind you. But with that glory, there is a lot of work. With a lot of work, life can get off balance...especially when you are the mom.
There were things in my last job I really loved...the people, the clients, the success in fixing something. I had a group of 10 people, and I enjoyed them and I know they liked working with me. Our group had the lowest attrition rate. When I went on maternity leave with my twins, they hung signs that said "WWMD"...What Would Meg Do. Thinking of that still makes me feel really good inside, knowing I did my job well for those folks.
As soon as I returned from maternity leave, with my managers and directors being able to see first had with my absence about what good work I did...I left. Why? Well...because my balance was off. I was responsible for too much at home and at work for just one of me.
Just as all history, my work life seems to repeat itself.
To balance on this tightrope of life, I really have to be confident in not pursuing work glory, but speaking up about what I want to do, not necessarily what I can do. I don't think a lot of people understand this, but what motivates me right now with work is being able to do the job and go home.
The last two months my life on the tightrope has looked like this:
Me in sweats (can't seem to get my act together to be dressed every morning), inching across the super high tightrope with this huge woman from work on my back...and all her baggage.
Yep - that is what has been throwing me off. Her. It is all her. I've been her 'mentor' and that means...lots and lots of work. The beginning of the year, she was on a 'performance improvement plan' - which means, you have 90 days to turn your work around otherwise you get a pink slip. With the manager change, the new guy took her off this...though now he realizes, he shouldn't have.
She is the reason I haven't submitted a post to my blog in a month. She is the reason my bills are piled high. She is the reason I'm behind at work, which makes me behind at life, which makes me work late at night, which makes me...well, just behind.
Okay - I can't put all the blame on her. I could get to my bills, my laundry, my extra work...but what would suffer? My life. My house. My husband. My kids. So I'm letting her take a little too much of me, so what IS left, can be passed along to what else is required: my family.
Last week I had a factual conversation with my manager about all of this and my timing couldn't be more terrible. Right now, is performance review time, which leads to bonuses, promotions, etc., etc.. I had to basically tell him that I don't want to manage people. I can't be responsible for others like I have been with this woman, it is making my work-life balance off-kilter. What I appreciate is being able to work, but if work affects life, life will start to affect work. He got it. I told him I'd throw up the flares when it gets to be too much, but I will do the job that is asked of me. I had to be brave and truthful to myself in what I want...just a job. Right now, I don't want a high powered career...but at the same time, I don't want to limit myself. It stinks when you realized you can't have it all...but 'all' is self-defined, so I'm picking 'just the job' because in my life, I do feel like I have it 'all.'
For the immediate term, after 2 months of having this woman on my back while I'm inching across the tightrope, I'm finally making her inch across on her own. She's not doing very well...I'm holding the net inches below rope, she has a harness on, and the rope is 10 inches wide and only 2 inches off the ground...with all that help she still can't seem to get across it. Right now it is all about self-sustenance.
At this point...I've done all I can and now can get back to my life without a jet...all I want is my minivan and that satisfies me and makes me very happy.
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